New Staff, That Guy, Alright!

On the first day of what felt like a painstakingly-long week of what looks to be another bromidic school year, one of the first things I noticed come lunch time, and oddly enough, one of the last things I would have expected, was a brand spankin’ new cafeteria staff. Sure, you’ve got a few of your veterans returning for another season. Starting at the utility position is Dre, teeth as blingin’ as ever. I’m not sure what exactly his job is, other than eliciting giggles from naive Mission Hills girls (and being awesome), but he does it well. Steve is back (really though, did he ever even leave?), and the other people are back too (by “other people” I’m merely assuming that a few people returned; I honestly have no idea who else is back.). And if there’s one thing about the new lunch that everyone can agree on it’s this: Mr. “Alright,” the new hired server (You know who I’m talking about), has single-handedly revolutionized Pembroke Hill lunches. The magic of everyone’s first time (getting food) is a little different, but my first encounter went a bit like this:

I peruse the culinary options. What the hell happened to the paper menus? How do I know what the food is? Pasta looks good.
“You want some chicken?” queries Mr. “Alright,” quite jovially.
How can I say no to him? His excitement is tangible.
“Yeah, I’ll have some chicken,” I reply.
“Chicken? Alright!” He adds, quite convivially, with the last syllables of “alright” trailing off slightly.
But I’m confused. “Alright?” Is the chicken just average? Are you attempting to send me some form of a secret, coded message so as to avert injuring the feelings of your fellow cafeteria workers? (If so, bravo sir for your tactics, bravo.) Are you excited that I ordered the chicken? Should I give you a high five? Would the other cafeteria workers be jealous if I did that? Should I give them high fives as well? Would you have been as excited for the other dishes? Did you want me to disagree with you and choose pasta? Is alright your silent indication of this fact? Do you get this excited for other things?

At home:
“Hey baby, I’m home,” says girlfriend.
“We’re going to see The Bourne Ultimatum. Alright!” says Mr. “Alright.”

On the phone:
“Hey baby, how’s your job?” queries mom.
“Job? ALRIGHT!” says Mr. “Alright.”

Watching the game:
“Touchdown!” exclaims friend.
“Touchdown? ALRIGHT!” shouts Mr. “Alright.”

I know that at first, you’ll think my jests mean-spirited, but they aren’t. I genuinely enjoy taking advantage of his service (so, it seems, does the rest of the school, which is obvious when the line for Mr. “Alright” is two times longer than that of the other woman.). Now, whether or not the chicken was good is a completely different issue (Those of you on the edge of your seats had best cool your jets.), but there is something really exhilarating and delightful about getting your food from someone who seems to actually enjoy their job. This is a far cry from the woman last year, whose apparent anger about having to serve me was not just visible, but audible and, dare I say, managed to add a slight taste of distemper to my spaghetti as well (That’s an angry meatball!). What pains me most, however, is that I don’t even know Mr. “Alright”‘s name.

Character Analysis

“STOP RIGHT THERE. I want you to make parallels from the cafeteria workers to famous film/book characters.” I’ve got you covered. I see it going a little bit like this:

Mr. “Alright” = Sherlock Holmes (Sherlock Holmes) or Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird)

Young, Angry, Ex-worker = Dr. Moriarty (Sherlock Holmes) or Nurse Ratched (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)

Dre = Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction) or Michael Corleone (Godfather)

Steve = Dumbledore (Which, I guess, would make Linda Professor McGonagall?)

But if there’s one thing that makes me truly sad, it’s that Mr. “Alright” has toned down his excitement. No longer is my service peppered with fun “Alright!”s and other such jubilant remarks. I’m crossing my fingers that he’s just having a bad week (maybe he’s hitting his sophomore slump early?).

Overall, I have to give the lunch staff three thumbs and a piece of paper saying “Go Lunch Staff” up! And now for something completely different….

Food

I’ll start out by saying that, not obligated under any sort of “school” rules or restraints, I don’t have to spew fourth this propagandist, brown-nosing crap about the lunch being “HEALTHY AND NEW!!!!LOLZ!!eleven!” “ORGANICZ FOOD IS DA SHITZ!!!ROFLCOPTER!!! IT’S CHANGING MY LIFEZZZ!!” and “PEMBROKE LUNCH CHANGED!!!ZOMG!!!!ARMAGEDON!!!” No. We have a new carrier (ironically just a different branch of the exact same company) and a little bit new layout (PLUS SOME FANTASTIC FLAVORED WATER). The lunch is probably healthier, but everyone’s acting like the school just invented electricity (Not a joke; this summer, after twelve, 24-hour days, Dre and Mr. “Alright” did in fact re-invent electricity. Benjamin Franklin would have been proud.). But will the tastes hold up in this healthier, organic food? Do the new drinks hold up? On the whole, yes. A lot of the food is great, and a lot of the flavors were things we couldn’t get last year. But there are a few quick things I’d like to address.

1. POTATOES – Is it just me, or have we had potatoes every day for the last two weeks? Does the potato variety change? No. Yukon gold potatoes. Every day.

“What’re the odds that we’ll have Yukon gold potatoes today?”

“What are the odds that I will wake up tomorrow?”

For shit’s sake; we aren’t living in 19th century Ireland (see Great Irish Famine) here. Our survival for the year does not depend upon the size of the potato stockpile in the back of the cafeteria. Call me crazy (or reasonable), but something deep down is telling me that the cafeteria can probably get its collective hands on a different starch every once in a while.

2. Flavored Water – All I want to know is if the person who suggested flavored water in the cafeteria is the same person who took away the soft drinks a few years back. If so, double shame on you sir/madam. It seems that at this point, there isn’t any rhyme nor reason to what they’ll give us drink-wise, so in the hopes someone influential stumbles upon this article, Piña Coladas and smoothies would be sweet for next year.

3. Cafeteria Re-design -

Subpoint A – Those little food shelters are oh so inconvenient for serving food. The cafeteria workers either have to duck down and pass it under the little mini-roof (in which case I worry that I’ll drop the plate and face the snickers of people around me), or stand on tip-toes and pass the food awkwardly over the top (maneuvering around the decorations). This slows the line movement down and that’s bad (see below). And while I’m at it, the little food shelters also make seeing the food just a smidgen more difficult. Add that to the lack of paper menus and we’re talking about a genuine not-being-able-to-tell-what-the-hell-I-just-ordered problem.

Subpoint B – The lines for food are ridiculous this year; and I don’t know what the cause of this is. Maybe it’s those damned food roofs. How to fix this? Not entirely sure, but I suppose Dre could have his own tertiary food line (I would go there everyday).

4. Small Portions – Unlike some people (I’m looking at you, girls), I don’t go to lunch for a carton of milk and a forkful of rice. It’s lunch, I’m hungry, and I want some food. So please, cafeteria workers, just hook me up with a little bit more. Maybe I’m deceptively skinny or something; but really, this has got to change.

The emphasis on health is definitely big this year. Presumably as a message to fat kids like myself to stop eating twenty ice cream cones covered in chocolate syrup and butter everyday. Honestly though, I couldn’t care less about how unhealthy (or, I suppose, healthy) my cafeteria food is. If I wanted to eat healthier, I wouldn’t be eating cafeteria food. Healthy cafeteria food seems like an oxymoron. For those of you who partook in the wonderful world of Wordmasters® (WOW!), here’s an explanation you might understand better.

Healthy : Cafeteria Food :: Accidental : Beaten Unconscious With An Iron Pipe

Now, don’t write me off as ungrateful and bitter. It’s not that I don’t like the new food; it’s just that I don’t have to be browbeaten over the head ad nauseum by this obvious change to appreciate it. I like the new food, a lot of the dishes are things I couldn’t get last year, I dislike the new design, and love the staff – it’s as simple as that. Pat yourself on the back. You just read more of my writing than will of Jane Eyre.