Background

Color Wars began in 2007. The premise was simple: each grade is assigned a random color and they must immerse themselves in that color for an entire week. The grade competes with other grades in events like jeopardy, dodgeball, and hallway decorating. The winner of the most events wins. Honestly, I’m still a bit fuzzy on the prize (respect? a pizza party? DOUBLE WIN!). Seems simple enough, and it is.

But here are a few thoughts I had.

Mismanagement

Last year, in its inaugural season, Color Wars was a hit (except for the fact that the seniors cheated us out of first place. “This icy body…” was legitimate, “this television character…” was not.). The event fostered cooperation inside grades, hatred outside of grades, and allowed me to fill my closet with green shirts I’d never wear again (I haven’t felt this successful since 9th grade history!).

This year, things were a little different. The event was announced with little less than four days to spare. Instead of an entire week as per last year, Color Wars lasted a measly three days, with the culminating event now just dodgeball (Color Wars without trivia is like a hooker without syphilis). Green was dropped in favor of white (read below), which pissed off yours truly, who was excited to finally cleanse his closet of the distinct leprechaun influence. And finally, Color Wars II felt a lot like The Matrix Reloaded (lamer, darker, and milking an empty cashcow). This thought sets up the possibility of an interesting threequel to the Matrix; Matrix IV: Color Wars.

“Neo, you must wear your red on Tuesday!” says Morpheus.

“But, why?” (In slow-moving, Keanu Reeves voice).

“Because you… are… the… red one,” (In overly dramatic Morpheus voice).

*Sidenote: Don’t worry if you missed the humor on that one, only for me would that be considered funny.

Increase the Divide

For a school that claims to yearn for integration of the student body, to yearn for a student body lacking conflict, does forcing the different classes into a winner-takes-all type competition contradict that goal? I’ve always heard that nothing brings people together like a common enemy, but when we’re competing with three other groups of people, are we creating more enemies than it’s worth?

It could easily be argued that any attempt at team-building inevitably creates enemies to compete with, but I have to wonder if there aren’t alternate paths to take towards creating grade cohesiveness. But when I thought about it, the split-by-color method is even used in “top-of-the-line” leadership workshops (as Amy Winehouse said, “They tried to make me visit the workshops, but I’ve got a life, life, life…”), and it does do wonders to create coherent groups. But in an era of globalization where the cohesiveness of small groups is becoming decreasingly important, it’s pertinent to consider whether we’re selling ourselves short with events like Color Wars.

Racism

Yet for me, the concept of “Color Wars” evokes more than a contest between randomly-assigned colors. “Color Wars” is a conflict between people of different “color” and colors, not just in the ostensible, randomly-assigned sense. The idea that people of different colors should compete so that one group might be declared the “winner” by a seemingly-impartial judge seems full of racist undertones. This point is further emphasized by the colors chosen for this year: white, red, yellow, blue.

1. First, white isn’t a color because it has no hue.
2. Second, the fact that a grade’s color directly correlates with a skin color only accentuates the potential for confusion about the agenda behind Color Wars. It also leads to deepening the stereotypes. If the white team corresponds to caucasians, are yellow and red intended to do the same for other stereotypes?
3. Third, the “white” team, are you kidding me? Give it one more year and the freshman class will be donning their dark colors and decorating the hallways in support of the “black” team. That wouldn’t be bad, but at the point when a team can get in trouble for having signs that say “(our color) pride,” the colors should probably change. In the planning stage, did no one think to say, “Hey, you know what, maybe white ISN’T the best idea for grade’s color.”
4. Yes, you’re right, white clothing is probably easier to find. But come on, this is Pembroke Hill; everyone knows where a Target is.
5. Don’t try to tell me it’s patriotic, because there is no yellow in the American flag.

Yet, it has to be stated that initiating a racially-driven conflict was not the goal of Pep Club (or at least, I’m 99% sure). So the question to ask ourselves is, are the conflicts between race and color so deeply engrained from history that competition between people of different “colors” becomes acceptable on a behavioral and societal level?

Maybe I’m reading too deeply into this, I usually do. But I think to understand the phenomenon on a deeper level, the event itself has be questioned. As Joseph Barndt said in his 1991 book Dismantling Racism, “Brick by brick, stone by stone, the walls of individual, institutional, and cultural racism can be destroyed.” Sometimes I worry that, unintentionally, we’re just adding more bricks to the wall.

There were less jokes than usual. My apologies.

As the one remaining wall from the never-grand, but always awkward building, formally known as Lottie D., is demarcated for destruction, it behooves me to spare a few lasting words for an old friend.

*Update* That building got messed up worse than Evander Holyfield.

I’ll always remember your asbestos-and-mediocre-art-infested walls, dirty floors, and rotting carpets. I won’t forget the distinct feeling of teen “angst” not quite available in other buildings on campus. I’ll remember how the prospects of winning a running race with the people around me always seemed to improve dramatically as I entered your decaying doors. The sorrow that emanated from the few poor sops who got stuck with lockers on the lower floor will stay with me. I’ll remember that, if someone ever came on campus with malicious intentions, the Lottie Dietrich folk wouldn’t even be notified. Yes, there is a lot I’m going to miss; a lot more than just miniature offices and low ceilings, eerily reminiscent of Being John Malkovich, are going to be lost when Lottie D. meets its penultimate demise. (Is “its” the right pronoun? What sort of gender do you attribute to buildings? Are they feminine like ships? Do they not get a gender, like rocks and people without genders?) Whatever the answer to my grammatical inquiry, that ugly building, once perched like an eagle over that atrophic field (The field doesn’t even have a name. We name all our fields, but that parcel of useless land gets nothing. We’re building things so fast we’ve run out of people to name them after), will stay with me.

But it isn’t just the zero tears that I will shed in remembrance of the past; no, Lottie Dietrich’s departure is going to change a lot for my future too. Consider:

Now that there is no building set aside for “artistically-enabled” students, and art classes are being spread around the school faster than Maurice Green running a 100 meter in his glory days, band class will take place in a trailer. If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, that this sounds like a great idea for an ABC reality hit (20 kids, 1 trailer, YOU decide who lives), you’re right. But you also might be thinking that a year of band in a trailer is a bit of a step in the wrong direction. Oh ye of little faith. I’m willing to bet that the acoustics of a trailer would beat Lottie D.’s shitty acoustics in a 50′s boxing match any day. Plus, band in a trailer sure as hell beats making sculptures on dirty urinals and developing pictures in old bathrooms in the language hall. EAT THAT ART FOLK!

*Update* I just learned that band isn’t in a trailer anymore, that it will instead take place inside Hall Student Center. Band 2, Art Folk 0.

Another potential impact of the construction, one that has gone completely ignored, is the impact it might have on Pembroke Hill Gang Violence Rates (commonly known as the PHGVRs). Everyone knows that the Pembroke Hill campus is a dangerous place, just look at the 2007 crime statistics (I don’t actually have any 2007 crime statistics, I did however make a brief Excel chart for what they might look like, see link.). View Graph (As a special side note, the one criminal act on the chart arose when an overzealous clothesline mother ran over a Showcase kid on her way to an evening of hot bargains. With deals that good, can you even blame her?) But with the rampant graffiti, lax security guards (that’s a joke, honestly, I haven’t seen jobs taken this seriously since Ken Lay (that’s a double joke, but seriously, we’ve got sweet security guards)), and the multitude of gang-related violence and deaths, it’s easy to believe that you might be scared to go to school in the morning. Reminds me a bit of Middle School, but I may get to Cults of Personality in a later article.

It doesn’t take much of a leap of faith to imagine how dangerous our alma mater will become. With skyrocketing violence rates, the school may have no choice but to bring Lottie Dietrich back from the dead (Once again, the building, not the person. AP Necromancy got pulled from the schedule. Maybe next year Dr. Graves.). Yet by the time they can finish the construction on LD 2.0, it may be far too late, and, with Pembroke engulfed in violent euphoria, the city will have no choice but to declare a state of emergency and seize control of the school. YES, in short, we will become what we fear most: a public school. SHOCK HORROR!

Not only that, but with Lottie Dietrich gone, and without a place to focus their angst, dark clothing, and My Chemical Romance music, it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to surmise that the art kids may start to cluster. Everyone knows that art kids become most dangerous when in clusters. Remember Gremlins? Imagine that, but a thousand-times worse. View the chart to get a clearer picture.

There are of course multiple other scenarios of doom that become much more likely — a zombie infestation, an XDR-TB pandemic, and a serious dog fighting problem (sans Atlanta quarterback), but those I’ll save for another day.

Yet in all honesty, I couldn’t be more excited to be bidding that Titanic of a building (they’re alike in the destruction sense, not in size, or Academy Award-winning ability) goodbye. We get a sweet new “performing arts center” with high tech equipment and the lot. Larger rooms, less health problems, a few new faculty to inaugurate the building. The art building isn’t just going to be for the rejects anymore. Could this get any more exciting? Done and done. Rumor has it that the map to an enormous treasure is hidden on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Whoops, that’s the plot to National Treasure, not a rumor. My bad! If anything though, I’d like to think that the removal of Lottie D. from the Pembroke Campus is one of the final steps in our historic “get rid of the old shit” campaign. Perhaps it’s symbolic of a Pembroke renaissance. Hopefully this Renaissance focuses more on the art and creativity than on the rising importance of Papal prestige (Although the PHS Pope does have a nice ring to it). With a new headmaster, new staff, new buildings and big plans for the future, there are a lot of uncertainties, but there is also a lot to look forward too.

As a side note: What the hell is up with having the construction workers caged off like animals?