Today, I will discuss an issue of the most paramount importance; an issue that many lesser beings may shudder to hear about; a topic both frightening and exhilarating. Yes. I am of course referring to bears. Wipe that shock off your face loyal reader!
In today’s world, bears are mistreated everywhere you look. They are captured and forced to live unsatisfying, uninteresting lives in zoos. Would you want to be neighbors with a hippo? I doubt it. Bears are called bad names like “monster,” “mammal,” “dinner,” “killer of children,” “father,” “distance runner,” “Toby Keith.” These vile nomenclatures must end. Sadly, the attacks against bears stretch far beyond name-calling. Bears are also wrongly treated in circuses. Because everyone knows that the only one having less fun at a circus than the spectators are the dunce cap-wearing bears being whipped around by a three-foot-tall man with leather boots. What’s worse? People in many areas of the globe don’t even have access to bears and their benefits.
Indeed, I would go so far as to say that the lack of both respect for bears and lack of bears themselves has caused all of the world’s problems. Bears are incredibly important to our universe, and we ought to start spreading them around before it’s far too late. But when you think of reasons for the world’s problems, you generally think of poor global leadership, environmental problems, economic issues, and race and class conflicts. But what is the underlying cause of all of these global problems? Lack of or cruelty towards Bears. It’s historically proven.
A recent poll of the top minds of science found that bears can protect the earth from meteor strikes. Sure, it sounds crazy, but they’re scientists and you’re not. Just think about it. Were there any bears in the Cretaceous period? I don’t think so. Did the dinosaurs survive that meteor strike? I don’t think so. What does it mean? That bears could have saved the dinosaurs, and if we had more bears, our children would grow up playing with their pet Raptor instead of building ridiculous ten-piece puzzles about him.
Even in Biblical times, bears played a crucial role in society. As is stated so vividly in Genesis 15:1, “God then said unto Abram: don’t be afraid Abraham, I have made bears. They are vicious and will hibernate in winter.” Am I saying that bears saved Abraham? No, but who would mess with somebody whose protector could beat you around like a rag doll? Not me.
*As a side note: a Bible scholar later told me that Genesis 15:1 doesn’t say that. But of course it isn’t word for word. I’m merely paraphrasing. Heard of it before?
Need more proof? The Roman Empire was the strongest empire of its day. It had the most advanced technology, and a profound cultural impact. At one point, their army was one of the strongest the world has ever seen. Yet when they began to stage bear-batings, things started heading south. They were invaded, beaten like naughty three-year-olds, and conquered by a tribe of people who didn’t even speak a common language and wouldn’t reinvent indoor plumbing for another two hundred years. Skeptics might ask whether I genuinely think bears caused the decline of the Roman Empire, and of course the answer is yes. As Edward Gibbon so insightfully points out in Chapter 18 of his epic work, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, “bears caused the decline of the Roman Empire.” Cruelty to Bears caused the demise of the Roman Empire, and we could be next if we don’t watch ourselves.
And yet even in modern times, the bear plays an important role in our survival. Everyone has heard of Smokey the Bear. Recent scientific studies show that without Smokey’s assistance, the California wildfires would’ve expanded throughout the rest of the United States and we would all be ash. Other scientists question the validity of these studies. But let’s think logically, are you ashen? I didn’t think so. Smokey has often been quoted saying things such as:
“You have so many reasons to protect your forests! And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.”
But of course, when Smokey says “only you,” he means you and bears. It’s just that writers of the time were what is now termed “ursist” or hateful towards bears. Smokey received a salary less than that of the stagehands and yet he performed his role with pride and dignity. Bears don’t just protect us from forest fires. They are also humble, talented actors.
Another famous bear is the Great Grizzly Bear of New Orleans. He travels the country telling his sad story.
“I’m the Great Grizzly Bear of New Orleans! You see what happens when there are no bears in your city? HURRICANES! Bears protect from hurricanes.”
Global warming? Yeah, you guessed it, BEARS! Exactly how is still being debated by the top minds in science.
And I’m not going to talk about how bears are the reason for the war in Iraq. But really, I can count on one hand the number of bears in the Middle East. And I can’t count on any number of hands the problems they have over there. Point made.
Those against bears might say, in a weak attempt to refute my arguments, that bears kill people. And to that I would say … nothing…. moving on.
You might say that bears kill other animals, but since when is that a bad thing. I mean, they kill trout. Trout are rainbow-colored. Whoopdeedoo! No one cares if a few more trout meet an unfortunate demise at the teeth of a bear? Plain and simple, bear kill deer. Deer are the #2 cause of traffic accidents annually (Second only to bad driving). Every grizzly bear you’ve ever seen, both in real life, on TV, and in your dreams, has saved your life with a tasty deer snack at least eight times in its life.
So what can you do to save the bears? I really have no clue. Donate some money to the World Wildlife Fund or something.