Election Day at Pembroke

No, not the real election. This one is far less important and void of too much constructive purpose. Pembroke elections are more like Last Comic Standing than a real election. If you go for gold and bring the humor, you’ll make it to the next round. If you go for gold and find yourself in a burning mess (see Wyatt last year, although burning isn’t quite the right word for that one…), you’ll enjoy senior year from the cheap seats. Elections are also a lot like MTV reality shows: full of stereotypes and censorship. Candidates will tend to fall under the following categories (taken entirely from last season of the Real World):

Funny Guy – you pull for him because you like him, he makes you feel at ease, and he makes you laugh. Look for competition between him and Serious Political Guy, it’s stereotypes junction with these two.

Hunky Athlete – he plays lots of sports, is ripped, and the ladies love him. Note: the hunky athlete could also be a hunky fireman, perhaps having previously appeared on a Hunky Firemen Calendar, at which middle-aged women stare on Friday nights, losing themselves in a pint of Chunky Monkey, after lighting some scented candles.

Serious Political Guy – he knows what’s going on in real politics, has a few causes he follows, and tries to apply them here. He’s usually not as hunky as hunky athlete (see above).

Hot All-American Girl – Good at sports, while also really smart. It’s like a Roald Hoffman video when she hanks out with Hunky Athlete – pure, unadulterated chemistry. Not a whole lot more can be said about this stereotype.

“I Just Came Out of the Closet and Want Everyone to Know!” Guy – This stereotype never shows up at Pembroke elections, so we might as well skip it.

African American Guy – (See above)

But Barack Obama says it’s time for change in American politics. Did Pembroke listen? Do higher politics even apply here? Doubtful to all.

A brief synopsis of the speeches

Peter: “I have a bunch of legit experience, a really funny, deep voice…”

Ryan: “If you didn’t know… I do sports.”

Catherine: “I have experience too!”

Adam: “Oprah…his sister…language teachers” (By far the funniest. If only that were the main criteria for who becomes president, then Adam would win for certain. Oh wait…)

Lessons Learned?

#1: Top 10 lists were cool in middle school, but even David Letterman can’t get laughs from those anymore. If Letterdizzle can’t pull it off and you aren’t Ron Paul, it’s time to go back to the brainstorming table. I thought they were chuckle-worthy, but the hoi polloi have spoken. Also, as a side note: chillax faculty, it was legalizing gay marriage.

#2: Don’t claim that one of your goals as president is something that one of the other candidates has already accomplished. *COUGH* wi-fi *COUGH*

#3: Best strategy for getting the language teachers to loosen up on food in the hallways? MOCK THEM! Seriously though, post-speech, Adam, Ms. Lacy will steal your snacks faster than Tiffani wins the 100 meter hurdles.

#4: The school needs to remove the one-year STUGOV requirement for running, because I would have gone nuts about a CJ ’08 ticket.

Get ready for specific club elections, but until then, I’m still Brad Bolman.

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