These are the best-kept secrets about Pembroke Hill. Revealing these best-kept secrets is also going to screw over anyone currently taking advantage of these said secrets. But that’s the point of revealing secrets, am I right? XOXO BB. Any lies in this article will be written in red ink.
1. Best places to “get closer to your classmates” – the elevator, the third floor commons after 3:15 pm, the hidden alcove outside of HSC, underneath the stage at HSC. There are more, but that should do for now. When I say “get closer to” I mean “hold your Nabokov reading groups.” With that said, I would like to announce the first official meeting of the Vladimir Nabokov Lover’s Club under the stage of Hall Student Center the Thursday after this issue is published at 3:15 pm. Books discussed: Pnin, Lolita, and Pale Fire. Don’t worry about bringing snacks, I’ll provide them on the first day. Bagels sound good? Don’t worry I’ll put together a lil’ FB group and we’ll chit-chat about this one. Casual dress allowed but ties are preferred. Obviously. To everyone busted because of this disclosure: sorrow!
2. Dr. Graves doesn’t write his own jokes. He hires aspiring New York comedians for $3 an hour and infinite Lewis & Clark film-watching time to write his jokes. This New York comedian, it should be said, does not get paid nearly enough of his work. Don’t take this overly sarcastically; I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed every joke Dr. Graves has ever told me.
3. Grant Barnow was never really suspended. In fact, quite the opposite. After he was pulled off of the talent show stage at the infamous Hall Student Center, he was pulled directly into a Board of Directors meeting where the members, clad in jackets and ties that instantly seemed passé seeing Grant in his jean-clad youthful vivacity, instantly voted him de facto head of the board for the next five days. During this time, Grant, acting conservatively but strongly, redirected all funding currently going towards Lower School instrumental music towards the Soccer team’s annual “Digs and Kicks” drive. This year, the soccer boys are upgrading their apparel to shoes made of pure gold by controversial, modern artist Damien Hirst himself. Hirst will personally place diamonds and rhinestones around each shoe. Band Director, Mr. Dekker, quickly raised an uproar at this atrocity against music. One particularly sleepy member of the board famously asked in response, yawning, “We have a band?”
4. It’s not all that bad. Friends at other schools have been telling me for years that I live a sheltered, little existence in a preppy and pretentious private school — the Pembroke “bubble,” I will call it. But what those puny mortals don’t quite grasp is how incredible Pembroke has been to everyone who graduates. I won’t list names but the list of teachers at this school who have helped me minutely all the way up to immensely would include every name on the employment list. It’s a testament to the incredible administration, teachers, and students at this school that I even have so much fun lampooning it.
5. It’s absolutely the worst place in the world. There is no red ink for the paper.