Writing the Report of the Century: Notes from the Capstone Road

Hello everyone. I’m here in the Commons and I’m surrounded by a boisterous hubbub that can mean only one thing (besides the public flogging of a Freshman): it’s Capstone time. I’m often asked what it feels like to be a fourth quarter senior on the slide. My only response: there are only ladders at Pembroke Hill. INSPIRATIONAL! In fact, large projects centered on one topic that will be presented in front of faculty, parents, and random kids silly enough to pick my room GET. ME. GOING. “But wait!” you whine in your pre-pubescent voice. “What’s a capstone!?!” A valid question indeed you Bieberian youngster (yeah, used his name as an adjective, deal). So for those of you who haven’t wasted away through thirty-five meetings about this mystical project, it’s…

Ge-Ge-Ge-Genealogy Time

The term capstone has a few possible derivations. Wikipedia suggests it might derive from architecture, but that’s nonsense. We’re talking about learning; not building buildings! The only other reasonable possibilities are cryptography and a medium-sized investment firm from Boston. Let’s light up our pipes, put on our plaid hats, and begin the investigation. Capstone is the “name of the government project” to develop advanced forms of cryptography that meet modern standards for safety in government and public use. This makes sense, because the reasoning for the existence and the guidelines for the capstone projects are cryptic. Example: one acceptable Capstone is to write a paper as well as extensive examination of a late 19^th century Austrian painter. Another acceptable Capstone is to write short stories modeled after a short story writer. Another Capstone is to paint paintings. If you don’t see a trend there besides my limited knowledge of what people are actually doing their capstones on (it would’ve been much more diverse, I promise, but I could only do so much research the night before articles were due), it’s because a capstone project can be anything — as long as you can pretend convincingly enough that it will be difficult! The key to the capstone journey isn’t actually picking the most interesting topic. Instead, a recent public opinion poll (New York Times/CBS) indicated that 105% of kids picked a topic based on its insane specificity and the arcane knowledge base required for understanding it. Diverse options for incredible visuals are always a plus, because everyone knows it’s easier to present about photography than Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. But at the end of the day, cryptography doesn’t make any sense either. So it must be the investment firm! Capstone Partners is “independent middle market investment bank, formerly the Boston branch for Arthur Andersen Corporate Finance’s M&A group.” What are capstone projects really about if not investing in OURSELVES!!! YAY SHALLOW, SAPPY METAPHOR! Now that we’ve figured out where the word comes from, how is MY capstone project coming?

AWESOME.

In fact, I’m reporting on the road to creating the greatest Capstone presentation ever. But instead of telling you anything about it, I created a list of the things that would be necessary to top my presentation/paper.

1. Laser-light show that includes more colors than green. I couldn’t find red or yellow or blue or anything, so people who can top that will win automatically.

2. Farm animals other than goats – Once again, acquisition accessibility was tough the bigger ones so you’re going to have to go out and lasso some steers and swine if you’re going to top this one.

3. Guest speakers who didn’t play on the ’97 Chicago Bulls – I’ve got this one covered. You would not believe how much Scottie Pippen knows about advanced quantum theory.

4. Environment-Shifting Machine – This would instantly be the coolest device ever created. Get working right now because you’ll need a lot of time to figure this one out, simultaneously doing it faster than the US military can find you to steal it.

I know that you’re sitting/standing/lying down reading this article after you flipped to what I wrote first (or second, maybe you flipped to another article I wrote first), still suffering from the sadness of a Brad-less last issue, and you’re thinking “what on earth is Brad’s project about?” But that is a question for another day. That “another day” being the day you sign up to watch my presentation. Until then, this is Brad Bolman reporting in from Pembroke Hill. Over and out.